• Pat Opperman

Three Little Pigs Redux

Once upon a time, there was a greedy old mother pig who was so avaricious that she lied to her three little pigs about how much money she had. They never had toys or new clothes. She even told them there wasn’t enough to buy food when really she was getting a hefty amount of child support and alimony.

As soon as the three little pigs were old enough, she dispatched them into the world with just a bit of cash and the clothes they wore. She told them to use the money to build homes and then figure out how to make it on their own.

The first little pig was fat and lazy. He didn't want to work at all. In fact, all he wanted to do was eat. He went straight to a pizza parlor and spent most of his money before he started building his house. All he could afford was a big pile of straw. So he made a feckless attempt to build his house out of that straw. It wasn’t pretty, but it was home.

The second little pig had a penchant to gamble. He thought he would double his money at the casino so he could buy a house that was already built. Unfortunately, he lost everything. All he could do was build a house out of sticks. He could whittle the sticks well enough, but he didn’t take the time to make a plumb measurement anywhere. The building had a noticeable list to the right, but the pig was satisfied with his new home. So he visited his lazier brother and they hung out and played together the rest of the day.

The third little pig saw a “help wanted” sign at the millinery factory and landed a great-paying sinecure. Then he worked out a deal to get his salary in advance. Now he had the money and the discernment to buy a sturdy brick house complete with a fine fireplace and chimney. It looked like it could withstand the strongest winds. Then he planted a garden so there would be more food to eat before heading to work at his new job.

The first two pigs’ humble homes were practically contiguous to their brother’s new brick home. They did not seem the least bit bothered by how their pitiful attempts at shelter touted their lack of home-building virtuosity.

None of the pigs knew that around the corner lived a big bad wolf. He was a bit of a boor. No one liked him. They spoke of him in the most opprobrious terms. He had big eyes and a big nose and big teeth. He often spent weekends harassing little girls in the woods, but that’s a different story.

One day, the wolf happened to walk down the street where the three little pigs lived. He saw the straw house, and he smelled the pig inside. He thought the pig would make a mighty fine meal and his mouth began to water.

An untoward knock on the door startled the first little pig. It was the wolf who said: “Little Pig! Little Pig! Let me in! Let me in!”

But the little pig saw the wolf's big paws through the keyhole, and he answered back: “No! No! No! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Then the wolf showed his teeth and said: “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down!”

So he huffed and he puffed and he extirpated the first little pig’s house! There was straw flying everywhere! The wolf opened his jaws very wide and bit down as hard as he could, but he choked on the dry grass. The little pig took advantage of the wolf’s distress and escaped to hide with the second little pig.

The wolf soon continued down the lane and came upon the second house made of sticks. He smelled the pigs inside. His mouth began to water as he thought about the fine dinner they would make.

The wolf thought about trying to inveigle the little pigs to step outside by offering some treats to them. His hunger was too great however to take the time to find some. So he knocked on the door and said: “Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Let me in!

But the little pigs saw the iniquitous wolf's pointy ears through the keyhole, and they answered back: “No! No! No! Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins!”

So the wolf showed his teeth and said: “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down!”

So he huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down! There were sticks flying everywhere. One pointy stick flew up and landed right on the big bad wolf’s right foot. While the wolf was hopping about in pain, the two little pigs scrambled away as fast as their little hooves would carry them.

The wolf tried to chase them, but his wounded foot slowed him down. The pigs made it to the brick house and slammed the door closed before the wolf could catch them. The two little pigs were very frightened as they told the startled third brother what happened. They were sure the wolf wanted to eat them.

And that was very, very true. The wolf hadn't eaten all day and chasing the pigs around made him even hungrier! Now he could smell all three of them inside and he knew that the three little pigs would make a lovely feast.

So the wolf knocked on the door and said: “Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Let me in!

The little pigs saw the minatory wolf's narrow eyes through the keyhole; so the first two pigs answered back: “No! No! No! Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins!” The third pig gave the others a curious look.

So the wolf showed his teeth and said: “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down!”

At which point, the third pig scoffed and said, “Go for it, you baleful wolf! Such churlishness shall not result in the blowing down of my sturdy home.”

Well! The wolf huffed and he puffed. He puffed and he huffed. And he huffed and he huffed. And he puffed and he puffed, but he could not muster up the puissance to blow the house down.

At last, he was so out of breath that he couldn’t huff and he couldn’t puff anymore. So he stopped to have a cigarette while he thought up a new strategy.

After sulking for a while, the testy wolf decided he would come down the chimney and eat up the little pigs for his supper.

The pigs saw him climbing onto the roof and figured out what he was doing. So the little pigs made a blazing fire and put a big pot of water on it to boil. Then, as the wolf was coming down the chimney, the first piggy popped off the lid. The burst of steam startled the wolf and he fell into the scalding water.

The second piggy quickly added some vegetables and herbs to the big pot and slammed the lid down. Then the third piggy invited Red Riding Hood and Grandma to his home for an idyllic supper which they all wolfed down with much delight.

The end




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